How does divorce affect children?

No matter how old a child is, the divorce of his or her parents is a highly stressful event. Many children are not sufficiently prepared for the upcoming split of their parents. Research has shown that less than 10% of children have support from grownups outside the family during the worst part of the divorce.

The pain that children feel in divorce comes from a number of sources. As their family falls apart, children will feel quite vulnerable. The loss of the family unit will cause the children to grieve, because most children did not know that their parents’ divorce was coming, while the parents may have known for a long time. Additional grief comes from missing the parent that does not have primary custody, and additional anger may come from disruptions to the family routine and a sense of powerlessness. Adding to their stress, children in divorcing families almost never get the support that people going through other forms of bereavement, like having a loved one die, receive. Many adults are either ignorant of the problem or unwilling to seek help for their children.

Your child will be affected by divorce differently, depending on how old your child is:

Divorce affects children A preschooler (ages 3-5) will often regress to the last milestone of development that was reached. Sleep is often disturbed, and there is a heightened fear of separation from the parent with custody. There is also a high level of grief in missing the non-custodial parent.

From ages 6-8, children are known to grieve quite openly for the parent that left. Children will come up with fantasies where their parents get back together. These children often have a hard time comprehending the fact that the divorce is permanent and will not change. They may often repeat the question, “when is daddy/mommy coming back or moving back”.

From ages 8-11, children tend to feel very angry and powerless. There is a strong grief reaction based on losing the family unit that they had before. Children will tend to label one parent “good” and the other parent “bad.” These children will also tend to become a caretaker for one of their parents; often letting their own needs go unmet.

From ages 12-18, adolescents often respond to divorce with ideas of suicide, sharp bouts of depression, and episodes of violent anger. The moral problems of divorce will be dominant in these children’s minds, and these children will often serve as judges for the things their parents have done. These children also begin to worry about whether or not they will be able to enter into permanent and lasting relationships themselves. However, these children can also see the positives in post-divorce relationships.

Other effects come from the custodial parent. Generally, many custodial mothers will show different levels of anger and disorganization. Their expectations for their own children’s social behavior will decrease. They will have a hard time separating their own needs from their children’s needs. The custodial mother needs to make sure that she reconnects with her own children and does not jump into a relationship that will leave her children needy. If this does not happen, the child will take on too much responsibility, and studies have shown that 15% of children have shown the psychological effects of having to take on caretaker responsibilities before they are ready.

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